3 Weeks 'Til Uzbekistan!!!

And how do I feel?...excited, scared, sad, skeptical, and overwhelmed, but most of all I feel panicked, and down right cranky! (A warning of the emotional rambles to come.)

Christmas has made my preparations ten times more hectic and has left me with very little time for much needed reflection about the imminent change in my life. My days have been full of executing tasks on my daily lists, driving, buying, deciding, exchanging, making new lists. The little time in between has been spent imagining my absence from the everyday life of my loved ones when I'm gone. Of course this has been made more acute while preparing my will. The reality of my absence made clearer by the considerations.

Perhaps I’m depressed by the recent morbid thoughts. I have internalized how others will feel after I leave for Uz, realizing the void of what I bring to their daily lives now. I think about how empty the house will be without me, how quiet a drive in the car will be without me, how there will be no more midnight chatters or morning coffees. The most distressing is how there will be no other end of the telephone with me on it for anyone until a few months after training and I am settled into a house with (hopefully, but highly unlikely) a phone. Even then, it will be sporadic and unreliable. Calls from Uz will also be prohibitively expensive, if and when, I can find service. Unfortunately, email and the internet cannot yet close the gap of hearing each other's voice, which is as close to seeing and touching as we can get from a distance.

How is this going to work? How can my loved ones here share their lives with me if they can't even pick up the telephone and call me when they have exciting news, or boring news, when they're sad or stressed, when they have an important decision to make, or when they just plain miss me? I'm afraid I will feel trapped, without the power to maintain both lives. I'm afraid that trying to hold on to this life will handicap my effectiveness in Uz. I'm afraid I can't have everything and I have everything to lose. Whether I go or stay has sacrifices I am not prepared to make.

Those of you who have been following my posts know how conflicted I have been about all of this, and no, it hasn't gotten any better or easier. The panic I feel now from my looming departure is suffocating.

Comments

[Ana]

Merry Christmas!

[jo anne]

merry christmas!

[Mahala]

I'm sorry things haven't eased for you, but not surprised. I salute your choice and all of the details and feelings. You are probably living with more consciousness of what you love and what you value -- and what sacrifices those require -- than most of the people on this planet. You're not just pointing to people you admire (I'm very aware of the "Shutterbabe" book just opposite this form) you're being, becoming, living those qualities.

I'm not just inspired. I'm filled with respect for you, Dee. (Oh, and love too, of course.)

[Alicia]

*hugs* happy holidays and happy family time to you.

[Wendy]

Hang in there Dee ...

[Nathan]

For what it's worth, I found the whole thing liberating. Everything I did and achieved was on my own, the people who were always there couldn't help beyond sending tabasco sauce and schlepping bourbon. I started from scratch without knowing anyone or having any kind of support system in place. (This is one of the coolest things, btw. My training roommate turned out to be the little brother of my uncle's best friend, two other vols went to my university, and a few other vols had mutual friends -- you find out that America's a pretty small place actually).

People could pick up the phone and call, it's just not as easy or as cheap. However, there were people who got calls from home every two weeks (my ex, who will probably read this, and who also got about 1 package per week, curse her black heart). I only talked to my family on the phone three times in a year but I gained an amazing appreciation for the written word. I was damned near prolific in my letter writing.

I wouldn't want to minimize the difficulties (which are great), but for the first time, I'm not emphasizing the negative with someone who will soon be a trainee (it's ever so delightful to "outrank" someone with much more life and professional experience than me ;) ). You'll be amazed at the reservoirs of strength you'll find within yourself.

Or, you could just be like me and pretend that telephones and computers don't exist in Uzbekistan. It's cool, like being a 19th century explorer or something. And, be happy knowing that as far as these things go, you have it better than Africa or Latin America volunteers. Admittedly, they don't get the "thousand yard stare" though, so it is probably a fair trade.