Ch...Ch...Ch...Ch...Changes

The changes in my life did not occur in one sudden cosmic bang, as it may have sounded in ”Somewhere There’s a Beginning” Before anything could happen, it took one long illogical period of misery. It just didn’t make sense. When counting my blessings I would run out of fingers and toes…I was at the prime of my life, at the peak of my international career, had an expanding bank account, a beautiful flat, great friends, loving family, life-of-the-party boyfriend, a spa membership, frequent flyer miles, a bulging passport, a revolving wardrobe, weekly parties, monthly island-hopping…I had it ALL! Yet, I was miserable.

My first thought every morning for at least a year was “Fuck!”, followed by "Fuck! Fuck! Holy fucking hell! How am I going to get through today?!? F U C K!!!"

Behind the veneer of my blessings was an over bearing, high-pressure job that required 100 hour work weeks, including Saturdays, Sundays and on-call in between. My love life consisted of me chasing the life of the party around while he was chasing down triple whiskeys and water, along with the shortest skirts he could find around town. I filled my free time with liberating jaunts into the cocktail mix of whatever was at hand, wherever I could find it in the remote exotic locations of Southeast Asia. I let myself b e l i e v e I was living the high life, big silver screen style...Oh I was high alright, but it wasn't on life.

My consciousness was numb. I had no passions. My bank account was filling up while my spirit was draining....and so it went until I realized that the years hadn’t been lived for ME. I had been chasing other people’s prescribed dreams. I was a “success” to everyone else, but not to myself. What were my ideals again? I had no clue. And when I realized I no longer had ideals, everything finally fell into place so clearly…I used to be full of ideals about the world and my place within it. How do I get them BACK?!

There was nothing else to do but to free myself from every defining constraint I had in my life to find ME again. It meant giving up my job, boyfriend, apartment, and leaving Singapore. I stopped living my life on a treadmill and jumped off, and onto a plane to Africa…the place of my dreams, and my ideals.

I don’t want to be misleading here. It IS totally insane to give up a well paying job, BELIEVE me. My reflex to reach into my wallet used to be more natural than blinking. And, ironically, it’s the accumulation of all those paychecks that helped me to take the big leap in the first place. I’m very fortunate in that. But however futile it may seem now for me to have “given it all up”, in actuality, I have gained the world, my future, and my passion. I may still live through the ups and downs everyday. But at the end of the day, the days are mine.

"They deem me mad for I will not sell my days for gold; I deem them mad for they think my days have a price." -- Kahlil Gibran (1883 - 1931)

Comments

[kelly]

finally took some time to read this dee and i just want to say you are such an inspiration. truly. thank you for sharing your inner most feelings and thoughts so honestly and openly. they move me and others...

[Wendy]

You sound a lot happier now - these 2 years ahead are going to be amazing (difficult too I'm sure) But they will change you forever - when you do go back to your career, you will have this new perspective to take with you - you will live it differently.

[Judy Yuen Suherwan]

Dee,

Your website looks great, you sound challenged at what lies ahead yet unconvincing at times that this is what you want. And yes, i must admit your stories are funny, you write well! I think you should write a book, hey what about doing children's books!! I definitely have the artists.

Love,

Judy

[Dee]

Actually, there was some (self-imposed) pressure from this feature to write something meaningful for that audience. But it did bring to light some aspects of my experience I never realized before.

[neil]

you know my views on your courage, determination and generous spirit...but having read this at the end of a frustrating and wasted day, socking back some wine and ready to go out alone to yet another film premiere and party, makes me feel so inane, immature, insignificant (wow at least i can use illiteration....)....you are a wonderful person